THINGS PEOPLE ACTUALLY SAID IN COURT


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people - lawyers, too - actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court stenographers who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


Question: Are you sexually active?

Response: No, I just lie there.
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Question: What is your date of birth?

Response: July 15th.

Question: What year?

Response: Every year.
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Question: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Response: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Question: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Response: Yes.

Question: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Response: I forget.

Question: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ______________________________________

Question: How old is your son, the one living with you?

Response: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Question: How long has he lived with you?

Response: Forty-five years.

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Question: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

Response: He said, "Where am I Doris?"

Question: And why did that upset you?

Response: My name is Susan.

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Question: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

Response: We both do.

Question: Voodoo?

Response: We do.

Question: You do?

Response: Yes, voodoo.

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Question: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Response: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _____________________________________

Question: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Response: He's twenty.

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Question: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Response: Yes
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Question: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Response: Yes.

Question: And what were you doing at that time? ______________________________________

Question: She had three children, right?

Response: Yes.

Question: How many were boys?

Response: None.

Question: Were there any girls?

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Question: How was your first marriage terminated?

Response: By death.

Question: And by whose death was it terminated? _____________________________________

Question: Can you describe the individual?

Response: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Question: Was this a male or a female?

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Question: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Response: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________

Question: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Response: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________

Question: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Response: Oral.

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Question: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Response: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Question: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

Response: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ______________________________________

Question: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ______________________________________

AND TO SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!

Question: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Response: No.

Question: Did you check for blood pressure?

Response: No.

Question: Did you check for breathing?

Response: No.

Question: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Response: No.

Question: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Response: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Question: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Response: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere